I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
