I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
