At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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