do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Randomize
