This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize