i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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