I think I died a long time ago.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I love having hate sex.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
