Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
