You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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