I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize