planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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