I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
