I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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