This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
