Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
