Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
