I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
