Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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