Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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