Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
