I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
