I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
