so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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