so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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