Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Every concussion has its silver lining
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
