Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
