yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
