Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize