its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
