so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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