I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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