so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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