So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
