4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize