Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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