he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
