thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
