I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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