Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
