my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You can't special order awesome
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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