Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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