I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
