Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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