how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize