Me too!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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