Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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