i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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