Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I could make wine with my vomit
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
