Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
