I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
