Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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