Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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