Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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