MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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