I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
