I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
