the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
