i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize